Hi All:

I've been away from the boards for a bit. I was lucky enough to get some freelance work which is hopefully going to keep me afloat while unemployed for a few more months. I had an intersting experience I thought I would share in case it is helpful to anyone out there.

For probably 2 years I have had an issue with clutter. I live in a one bedroom apartment that had become infested with clutter. Old fast food containers, dirty dishes, dirty laundry, unopened mail, unread magazines and newspapers, books that were only half started if that, you name it I had it and I was nightly stepping over it to get to my couch or bed.  It is humiliating, debilitating, anxiety provoking and I have no idea how to stop or why it started at all despite it feeling so bad.

Well of course the other night the close to worst case scenario for me happened. My landlady had to enter my apartment because of a plumbing issue. I wasn't home, the best part of the scenario, but had a note on my door when I returned that they entered. I crumbled on my diosheveled couch. They knew. I didn't want anyone to know and now they knew. I felt a paralysis. I didn't know what to do. I was overcome by fear and shame and embarassment. I shut off my lights for fear that they would come back. I thought about leaving and not coming home in case they had to come back in again. I was mortified because my secret was now out.

The next day I went to my therapists office and I told her about it, through sobs. I just kept repeating I didn't want anyone to know. I knew this was a bigger issue. We talked about my childhood and how my mom and dad expected me to clean the house on the weekends. I told her how I never cleaned as well as my sister did. I was just never good at cleaning. I used to hide things in clostes and under my bed to make it look clean. She expalined that when a child is charged with an adult chore like cleaning the house. They will never complete it to the standards that an adult would. This sets you up to feel like a failure, or inadequate because you couldn't do something that developmentally you would never have been able to do anyway.

I thought a lot about what she said. I thought about how I felt  as a kid and I did feel inept. I did feel dumb for not being able to do something so simple like clean the house. I hated cleaning. I thought it was dumb. I hated being forced to do something I didn't want to. That night I went home and cleaned for 12 hours. I can see my carpet now. I can use my kitchen again. There is no more hair in my bathroom sink.
Something changed in this discovery for me. I still have more clutter. I still have laundry to do. I still am not 100% clear of clutter, but a huge dent has happened.

I feel better. I feel safer. I feel like my awful secret isn't as awful as I thought it was. I feel like I can take care of myself and it isn't bad. I feel lik ethw little kid in me who didn't want to clean didn't have to clean this time. I did it for her. I even bought her a cleaning outfit and took her to a movie to celebrate how much effort she made. I hope this isn't the last of it. I hope that I continue to clear out my clutter and let me dirty secrets out so they stop inconveniencing my life.

Missy